Altman Debuts New AI Deice

OpenAI unveils “Quark” – a wild new AI device designed by Jony Ive! The Always On AI Device ‘Hears’ and ‘Sees’ Your World.

IO’s First Device

Sam Altman took the stage today at the OpenAI DevDay to unveil Jony Ive’s newest IO device designed for ‘Always On’ artificial intelligence. Looking like a character out of Star Trek, Altman excitedly extolled the virtues of always on AI to a huge crowd of enthusiastic followers. The much-anticipated device includes cameras, hearing aids, wi-fi, batteries and bone conduction headphones. It is expected to cost around $4,000 at launch and comes with a one-year subscription to ChatGPT5.

Quark Is Game Changing For AI

“It’s revolutionary,” said Altman. “You just wear this all the time and you have instant access to ChatGPT whenever you want. You just say ‘Hey Sam’ and ChatGPT immediately springs to life. It is constantly scanning your world, listening to your conversations, recording video of your friends whether you’re at work or play,” he continued. “You can use it to learn something new, simplify daily tasks, or translate languages on the go. Learn the history of a landmark, translate a sign, or get recipes based on what’s it sees in your fridge. It can also scan QR codes, or take a note and recall that information later. It’s you’re personal assistant on steroids with the knowledge of the entire corpus of the world.”

Quark Will Not Include Satellite Communication

The one-piece device is made of phthalate free elastomer impregnated with three 55 MP cameras (front and two sides) for 3D vision, 20 microphones for listening and HiFi quality neodymium magnet speakers. It includes a Qualcomm Snapdragon 9 next generation SOC chip, 256 gigabytes of on-chip RAM and 8 Tenor units. Rumors had it that the device woud also include satellite communication but Altman said that wasn’t true. “We may include it later as an upgrade, but we think most people will be happy just to wear it with their existing aluminum foil hats,” he said.

Sales Are Expected To Start In 2026

“This shows the tremendous value we got from our $6.5 Billion acquisition of IO Products, Inc. No one else would have dared come up with a product like this. It shows the genius of Jony Ive and how future thinking we are at OpenAI. At OpenAI, we’re willing to challenge the orthodoxy,” he added. “Everybody who said Jony Ive had lost it after he left Apple was just wrong. We’re going to takeover the world with this device.”

Competition With Meta Glasses Expected

Named “Quark”, the device will compete with Meta’s Ray-Ban and Oakley glasses as well as Apple’s Vision Pro in the marketplace. Observers wondered, however, just how many people would want to go around looking like someone out of Star Trek when it wasn’t Halloween. “Maybe I’d wear it to a party or something, but all-day. No way, ” chimed in Mary Gomerry of PiratesBay, CA. “Besides, who’s going to let you record them?” she said.

Lady Mary Rushed to Downton Cottage Hospital. Near Death As Public Waits News

Lady Mary Crawley, heiress to the Downton Abbey, was found unarousable in her bed by this morning and was rushed to nearby Downton Cottage Hospital. There she remains clinging to life and surrounded by by her second husband Henry Talbot and her recent suitor, the ravishing film maker, Jack Barber. Evelyn Napier, Tony Gillingham, Charles Blake, Matthew Crawley, Kemal Pamuk and Richard Carlisle were unable to attend.

Rats Takeover Sinking Ship

Head rats Rizzo, Remy and Olivia Flaversham took over the floundering schooner HMS Bounty in the Indian Ocean after the crew mutinied and threw overboard Christian Fletcher. This is the first report of rats taking over a sinking ship.

Hurricane Milton Sues NOAA For Misgendering Him

Hurricane Milton, a category 5 storm that struck central Florida in October of 2024, sued the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration today in Federal Court for damages that resulted from misgendering. “They knew I was a guy and they still called me a Hurricane. It was devastating. I was traumatized. I was so hurt I couldn’t even speak for the whole week I was in Florida. I didn’t know what to say to my friends and family” said Milton. NOAA administrator Grimm said “You just can’t be naming a hurricane with a guy’s name and then calling it a ‘hurricane’. It’s stupid and it makes us look bad.”

Miss Havisham to Open Haberdashery on Main Street

Miss Havisham, the enigmatic figure from Satis House, is stepping back into the spotlight with the grand opening of her men’s haberdashery on Main Street in Pirates Bay, CA! After years of seclusion, she made a stunning appearance at a press conference, donning a breathtaking Victorian wedding dress. Accompanied by her adopted daughter Estella, Miss Havisham declared, “It’s time I got over my funk and re-entered the world.”