Lady Mary Rushed to Downton Cottage Hospital. Near Death As Public Waits News
Lady Mary Crawley, heiress to the Downton Abbey, was found unarousable in her bed by this morning and was rushed to nearby Downton Cottage Hospital. There she remains clinging to life and surrounded by by her second husband Henry Talbot and her recent suitor, the ravishing film maker, Jack Barber. Evelyn Napier, Tony Gillingham, Charles Blake, Matthew Crawley, Kemal Pamuk and Richard Carlisle were unable to attend.
OpenAI unveils “Quark” – a wild new AI device designed by Jony Ive! The Always On AI Device ‘Hears’ and ‘Sees’ Your World.
OpenAI released picures today showing off its new, always on, interactive AI device. Designed by IO, Jony Ive’s startup that OpenAI acquired last month, the devices features two large, Ferengi-like ear pieces, a thick across the forehead optical scanner and in ear speakers. On stage at OpenAI’s DevDay, Sam Altman debuted the device. Called Quark, it weighs a surprisingly small 680 grams with a projected battery life of 8 hours. It is expected to cost around $4,000 at launch and comes with a one year subscription to ChatGPT5.
Rats Takeover Sinking Ship
Head rats Rizzo, Remy and Olivia Flaversham took over the floundering schooner HMS Bounty in the Indian Ocean after the crew mutinied and threw overboard Christian Fletcher. This is the first report of rats taking over a sinking ship.
Miss Havisham to Open Haberdashery on Main Street
Miss Havisham, the enigmatic figure from Satis House, is stepping back into the spotlight with the grand opening of her men’s haberdashery on Main Street in Pirates Bay, CA! After years of seclusion, she made a stunning appearance at a press conference, donning a breathtaking Victorian wedding dress. Accompanied by her adopted daughter Estella, Miss Havisham declared, “It’s time I got over my funk and re-entered the world.”
Hallmark Channel Discovers Black People
“Well, we didn’t really discover Black people. I mean, not Black, Black, more like brownish or mahogany color. We always knew they were around. We just didn’t use them in our signature Hallmark movies for anything other than as extras or the help,” said Mike Perry, CEO and Chairman of Hallmark, Inc.
Google Accepts Second Satirical News Site for the First Time
Reviewers at Google revealed they do understand humor, parody and satire when they reluctantly agreed to place ads on the Pirates Bay Courier website (piratesbaycourier.com). Previously, the humorless behemoth had deemed the website way “too funny and enjoyable” for humans and expressed concern that placing ads on the website might lead readers to laugh out loud.