Donald Trump as a teenager

Trump Completes Transition. Denies Use of Puberty Blockers

Transition Team Headed by Former Wrestler and Steroid Expert

Eschewing the tradition of seeing a doctor or specialist in transition care, President-elect Donald Trump chose Linda McMahon, a former wrestler, and Howard Lutnick, an American businessman, to lead his transition team. “What they lack in knowledge, the make up for in effort,” said Trump addressing a crowd of well-wishers. When asked about his plans for his pronouns, he deferred. “I’m not ready for that. I’m just in the early stage of my transition. We’re mostly in the talking phase. Seeing a lot of psychiatrists and things right now.”

Trump Denies Use of Puberty Blockers

Trump has been planning his transition for nearly four years. He immediately dismissed charges that some of his recent cabinet picks such as Bobby Kennedy Jr. and David Sachs were the result of puberty blockers. “I’m in great shape. I’ve got the body of a 14-year-old. I’m great. I’m going to make a great president. I’m thinking clearly which is more than I can say for Biden. He should be ashamed of himself, what he did to this country is terrible. But I’m going to turn it around,” he exclaimed. Puberty blockers are drugs that are given to delay the onset of puberty in patients with precocious puberty or those planning a sex change. They can often affect mood and can cause significant dysphoria and cognitive dysfunction.

Lady Mary Rushed to Downton Cottage Hospital. Near Death As Public Waits News

Lady Mary Crawley, heiress to the Downton Abbey, was found unarousable in her bed by this morning and was rushed to nearby Downton Cottage Hospital. There she remains clinging to life and surrounded by by her second husband Henry Talbot and her recent suitor, the ravishing film maker, Jack Barber. Evelyn Napier, Tony Gillingham, Charles Blake, Matthew Crawley, Kemal Pamuk and Richard Carlisle were unable to attend.

OpenAI unveils “Quark” – a wild new AI device designed by Jony Ive! The Always On AI Device ‘Hears’ and ‘Sees’ Your World.

OpenAI released picures today showing off its new, always on, interactive AI device. Designed by IO, Jony Ive’s startup that OpenAI acquired last month, the devices features two large, Ferengi-like ear pieces, a thick across the forehead optical scanner and in ear speakers. On stage at OpenAI’s DevDay, Sam Altman debuted the device. Called Quark, it weighs a surprisingly small 680 grams with a projected battery life of 8 hours. It is expected to cost around $4,000 at launch and comes with a one year subscription to ChatGPT5.

Rats Takeover Sinking Ship

Head rats Rizzo, Remy and Olivia Flaversham took over the floundering schooner HMS Bounty in the Indian Ocean after the crew mutinied and threw overboard Christian Fletcher. This is the first report of rats taking over a sinking ship.

Hurricane Milton Sues NOAA For Misgendering Him

Hurricane Milton, a category 5 storm that struck central Florida in October of 2024, sued the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration today in Federal Court for damages that resulted from misgendering. “They knew I was a guy and they still called me a Hurricane. It was devastating. I was traumatized. I was so hurt I couldn’t even speak for the whole week I was in Florida. I didn’t know what to say to my friends and family” said Milton. NOAA administrator Grimm said “You just can’t be naming a hurricane with a guy’s name and then calling it a ‘hurricane’. It’s stupid and it makes us look bad.”