Pirates Bay, CA (PBC) US ambassador to the UN, Linda Thomas-Greenfield, in her role as President of the United Nations Security Council, announced the end of the Russian Ukrainian war today. “We’ve reviewed the situation and have discussed the situation at length with the parties involved and we have decided that the war is over. We don’t pick winners or losers, but we think Russia may have an edge. So we plan to give some sort of a participation trophy to Ukraine for their valiant efforts in the war. I think they deserve it. They really tried hard. The United States, Great Britain, North Korea, NATO and other combatants will not get trophies,” she said.
End of War Greeted with Glee in Moscow
Rusten Umerov, the Russian Miniter of Defense, was elated at the news. “We thought we we’re ahead, but we weren’t sure. And it was good timing on our part. We were running out of old tanks and artillery shells to use. We were low on rations, and we needed more volunteers. Yes, we had duped the North Koreans into being cannon fodder but otherwise they weren’t going to be of much use to us,” he added. Vladimir Putin was not available for immediate comment. He was apparently involved in a photo shoot for an animal rights commercial.
Zelenskyy Flabbergasted by the News
Volodymyr Zelenskyy, the president of the Ukraine, was flummoxed when told the news. “I’m stunned. I’m speechless. How could the Americans do this to us? We’re winning. We just needed more time. More weapons. More long-range missiles. Look what we did in Kursk. We were taking it to Mother Russia. How could they abandon us like this? Get me Biden on the phone now,” he exclaimed. “I want a recount.”
US is Head of the Security Council this Month
It was just fortuitous that the United States headed the UN Security Council in November and December and was able to bring this action to a head. Linda Thomas-Greenfield, the United States Ambassador to the UN, is the current president of the United Nations Security Council having succeeded Slovenia and most recently Switzerland. She had previously focused on food security during her four presidencies, bringing the issue to the forefront of the Council’s agenda.
Whitehouse Wanted War Over
“But I was told by the Whitehouse that they had achieved their goals in Ukraine and that it was time to wind this war down. Apparently, they’ve already shipped all the old and outdated US munitions to the Ukraine. Now they want our newer stuff. We gave them some ATACMS long-range missiles to use in Kursk, to check’em out but we weren’t going to send anything more. It was sort of a trial for us. We wanted to see how they worked and see if they could get past Russian defenses. Now that we know they work, we aren’t planning to send anymore.”
US Achieved Its Objectives in Ukraine War
Continuing, she said, “We achieved our objectives. We got Russia to use up a lot of munitions, we depleted their stockpiles. We ruined the ruble. We bloodied their noses. We got them to disclose their newest weapon systems to us like that hypersonic missile they launched. That was a real gold mine of data for us. But now we don’t need a Ukraine war anymore,” she added. “It’s not in our strategic interest.”
Trump Vowed to End War
President-elect Donald Trump was relieved at the news. “I called my friend Putin but he was busy. He was doing an animal rights commercial of all things. Putin. Animal rights? Who knew? Anyway, he’s a great man and a good man. I know Putin. We were going to put an end to this war. Now I don’t have to,” he said.
