Pirates Bay, CA (PBC) In a brief but stunning announcement, the Catholic Church announced today that it will restart selling indulgences again after a 500-year hiatus. In the Roman Catholic Church, an indulgence is a way for a faithful Christian to reduce the time they spend in purgatory for sins that have already been forgiven. The Church grants indulgences to those who meet certain conditions, such as confessing sins, receiving absolution, completing penance, making a pilgrimage or performing specific good works
Selling of Indulgences was the Principal Driver of the Protestant Reformation
The practice by the church of selling indulgences to rich donors to forgive their sins and lessen their punishment in purgatory or to be released from purgatory entirely was the primary complaint of Martin Luther. Luther’s ’95 Theses’ was published on October 31, 1517. It led to the Protestant Reformation, the creation of the Lutheran Church and resulted in the Thirty Year’s Wars that killed over 4.5 to 8 million people in central Europe from 1618-1648. The selling of indulgences was one of the major fund raisers for the early Catholic Church.
Lutheran Church Spokesperson Outraged. Catholics Say They’re Jealous
“This is outrageous,” said Pastor Frank White of The First Lutheran Church of Pirates Bay. “I thought we had debunked this practice in the 1500’s. Trading sins and getting absolution for money is heresy and blasphemous. This is an affront to the entire Protestant religion. We won’t stand for this,” he said. However, Sister Vivian of Our Lady of Perpetual Motion School said, “Oh, they’re just jealous. Catholics have the corner on sin and punishment and absolution and selling indulgences is a great way to raise money. It’s neat, clean and fast. It sure beats doing car washes and selling chocolate bars. We’re going to raise a lot of money,” she added.
Details on How to Get an Indulgence not Clear
The press release from the Vatican was terse and did not spell out how someone could get an indulgence. When asked about it after his Sunday mass, the Pope was reticent to discuss details. “We’re just in the early stages of rolling out this new program. We’re really excited about the opportunity and all the money it will raise for the church. Look, it’s way better than buying Bitcoin. Just give us your money and get your punishment in purgatory reduced. What could be better? We’ll have more details in the future,” he said. In Roman Catholic doctrine, purgatory is a place where souls who die in God’s grace can atone for their sins and become fit for heaven. The idea of purgatory is based on the belief that not all sins are equal, and that God’s eyes are too pure to behold evil.
SEC Sues Church to Block Sale. Claims Indulgences are Unregistered Securities
SEC Chair Gary Gensler immediately filed a lawsuit against the Catholic Church in the 9th Circuit seeking to block the sale of the indulgences. “As we understand it, the church intends to allow people to transfer and resell their indulgences to other sinners and this makes these unregistered securities. They’re no different from Bitcoin or stocks,” he said. “We’re not going to stand for it. We missed the boat when Satoshi Nakamoto created Bitcoin and we’re not going to let that happen again.” The lawsuit seeks an immediate injunction against the sale of indulgences.
